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Prior to the main battle in operation SmokeShell, I was scared and prayed earnestly, however I realized that everyone (including the enemy) was praying just as hard and nearly 400 humans failed the life test that day! I resolved to stop praying and see if it made any difference. It fascinated me how when the immediate danger had passed, the majority of soldiers go back to cussing, swearing and blaspheming! How could they make this seamless transformation from god-fearing soul to caveman, and back without any internal backlash? I came to the conclusion that their faith is not genuine (or of a spiritual nature), but based on the fear of the unknown - a form of superstitious faith perhaps. In the heat of battle, confusion reigns,
I felt like I acted and reacted as if I was in a dream, there was no sense of fear, I felt removed from my body - a spectator. I saw things happen but I am not sure if I did them, but the brain is selectively recording your adrenaline trip. When I came down I felt the fear, not of losing my life, but that I had totally lost control of my life and I was at the mercy of my military leaders, and the government of my country. If I remember correctly, the Bible states that governments derive their divine right to rule from the Almighty. I believe that many soldiers reaction to this sensation of helplessness was manifested in extremely aggressive ways. I have heard of soldiers playing soccer with an enemy head, but have only personally witnessed a body being bent over backwards and jumped on until the spine cracked so that the body fitted into a trench.
I have witnessed the transition from life to carcass, and have seen many dead and mutilated humans. I have had very few nightmares about what I have seen. I believe that I acted appropriately , was not involved in any "war crimes", and so I have no guilt issues. However, I also feel my rejection of spiritualism has helped me cope and function as a relatively balanced member of society. Faith and religion can provide a reassuring crutch, but it requires an uncritical and irrational mind. (The military does itís best to brainwash you into this state of following orders instinctively and without questioning whether it is rational or not - cults use the same techniques of sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion and selective messaging to remodel your mind.)
When you were an infant, your parentsí church was anxious to imprint your childish, uncritical mind with itís brand of faith. If you have one rational brain cell, it will reject this dogma that you are powerless and instead of serenity there is self-doubt and conflict. For "serenity" to prevail in a spiritual world you have to lobotomize yourself and leave the inconsistencies unquestioned, or suffer mental health (or recurring dreams where your mind tries to replay, rationalize and organize experiences.) A fine example of the perversion of spiritualism is the phenomenon of "suicide-bomber" (homicidal-muslim.) These deluded, irrational people have bought into the "get a free pass to paradise if you die trying to kill a Jew!" Frankly I think you are copping-out and taking the easy way out if you commit suicide, while you are alive you have the opportunity to contribute something to the world or your fellow man!
I wrote many poems, I remember one distinctly, it was about who steers the bullets. This was seriously challenging that cozy concept of Godís plan and how he knew every hair on your head. But why couldnít he steer the bullets? Once I understood that he just wasnít interested, or he was not in command, actually that (s)he does not exist, I felt relief and a sense of empowerment. The belief in a superior being is a heavy burden , you have to accept that you are not in control of your life! Oh, you can try your best but "the plan" will be done. It is incredibly liberating to realize that you are in control of your own destiny! Things may not work out the way you would like them to, but work with what youíve got! If you donít like your job, change jobs. If you donít like your country or government, work to change it or move to one you do like. You are not chained to anything once you declare your independence!
The down side of this is that you now are 100% responsible for your thoughts and actions. You have to develop an ego to handle the negative. I can do better, I will improve, I am learning. The joy of success or victory is also sweeter and more intense, I played really well today, I trained really hard for that marathon.
Humans are instinctively rational, but this behaviour is in conflict with the goals of government and organised religion. For law and order to prevail, Governments need their citizens to comply with the laws of the land. One of their tools is religion, the 10 Commandments are rational (and just common sense) and seem to be incorporated into all the major religions in some way or other. However, the higher authorities also abuse their position of trust and manipulate their "flock of sheep". They know the spiritually fearful will not contest unjust laws and the unjust application of them - obedient citizens pay their taxes, and do not challenge authority.
Do good, and be good at it, do positive deeds and be positive about it!
If you are interested in the Rationality and Objectivity of the Human Race should read Ayn Rand' s books. Probably the least intimidating one is "For the New Intellectual". In 156 pages, she explains how people make decisions and act on them - based on rational behaviour.
The website (external link to http://www.duhcentral.com/ site) and specifically the (external link to "Ghosts,gods and goblins" page) mirrors my philosophy and shows rather eloquently how a person straining under the heavy mental load of spiritual inconsistency can find themselves and develop a sense of purpose in life.
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61 Mech motto: "Mobilitate Vincere" - Destruction of the enemy through mobility.